The secret life

This caught my eye while reading through Maybe, Maybe Not.

Most of the time, most of us go around with our heads running full tile doing the most amazing things, while we safely negotiate the obligations of the public and private life. Much of what goes on in the secret life is not aberrational. Sometimes entertaining, it is often mundane and unexceptional--neither dramatic nor demonic. Just the necessary backstage maintenance operation of life where we sort out the contradictory material into piles of what works and what doesn't, what's useful and what's not.

The French have a charming term for one aspect of the secret life.
La perruque. It means "the wig," and is slang for a particular kind of disguise. It refers to what you do for yourself while apparently going about the job you are paid to do. If you are a typist working at your desk and you are in fact writing a letter to your lover on company time, this is la perruque. When you make personal calls from your office phone, do a little grocery shopping while out on company business, daydream, or even use your employer's time to make a list of things to do over the weekend, it's all la perruque--conducting your personal life under the guise of working at your job. It's not stealing. It's an acknowledgment that your public life, personal life, and secret life run concurrently and parallel. La perruque on the job is balanced by the time oyu think about work while you are on vacation.

- Maybe, Maybe Not, Robert Fulghum

Ah. The secret life. The part of ourselves that reside only in our thoughts and surface during perhaps our most honest moments. The thoughts that I cherish in secret abound in number. I am a pretty secretive person, and it takes a lot to get to me to crack. I am a bit of a cheat. I love listening to other people's secrets, but I always have difficulty divulging mine.

This excerpt from the book particularly caught my eye because it gives me a legitimate excuse for doing non-work things at work. But if there's any secret I can openly share right now, it is this: I am a very restless person.

I know, I know. I always seem so "well-kept," in all possible meanings of the term. But I am one of those giddy worms that just can't sit still in one place and stay there. For example, I can't study in just one place. I have to transfer every few hours or so. Even if I am only rotating between 2 rooms or 2 tables, I have to move from one place to the next and back. Another telltale sign of me being hard at work is if I am nibbling on something. On junk food. My numero uno vitamins are M&Ms plain. Sometimes, Toby's mexican-style peanuts. On other days, it's chips. If I am not nibbling, I am not thinking hard enough (and really, if my boss knew this about me, he would've gone worried months ago!). So really, I cannot work without a diversion. Not a big earth shattering diversion. Just small minute ones that play in the background. Short walks every now and then. Back in college, some moments in the balcony, and for the heavyweight material, a short trip to the grocery also helps as a "pickmeupper."

I wouldn't be me without my secret life. It isn't even about the need to surround myself with whatever form of mystery. I guess it's just about that satisfaction of having something to smile about that no one else can understand. It's nice to have things for yourself that no one else can tap into.

Enough about the secret life. It's time to sleep.

***

It's a Sunday night, and I am delaying my much-awaited sleep because when I wake up, it'll be Monday morning. I've sworn off my usual Monday pickmeupper because I am getting wiser about money (ahem, more stingy). I don't know how I can keep this up, having Starbucks only ten steps away from my building, but I will sure try. I only have to last until the end of July, but gosh, the call of designer caffeine is strong.

When sleep is no longer a refuge

I've always taken comfort in quiet evenings, just laying in my bed and staring at my star-filled ceiling after a long and tiring day. Those final minutes before I drift to sleep has always been such a joy. I keep a notebook on my beside table precisely for these moments. For these final minutes of absolute clarity. One of my friends posed this question before:

What do you think of just before you go to sleep?

The answer came so easy back when I was in college. I used to think of nothing. Nothing but relief that the day finally came to a close. My work schedule was absolutely insane, and finally getting to shut my eyes at the end of a day was always such a treat. So to say it simply, my answer was "ahhhhh" with a matching smile.

My answer to this question has of course, evolved since then. Interestingly enough, over time it has become a lot more challenging to find peace in what once gave me so much comfort, even if it was only a minute's worth of introspection.

My post-college days has definitely disoriented me big time. Whatever solace I found in silence abruptly vanished, as I found myself running away from its dreaded noise. Facing uncertainty is something I'm not very good at, and having no clear road map, not even a glimpse of a signpost for the nearest pit stop, just overwhelmed me. Instead of confronting it, however, I did just the opposite.

The silence of course, caught up with me, almost swallowing me whole during those final minutes of consciousness.

Suddenly, I started dreaming again. Literally and figuratively. My college roommates will tell you that during our four years together, I was the "one with the dreamless sleep." I was also the girl who sleep talked and said "hellew", but that's a different story.

My quiet nights soon developed a bland, yet recurring title. What future is in store for me? It's nerve wracking and exciting at the same time to consider all the prospects.

Lately, these moments are playing yet another different theme: faces. With August 17/18 coming closer as each day ends, I've found that these last minutes have extended and it now takes a longer time to fall asleep. Each night, a face flashes before my eyes. I see the pair of eyes that I've grown accustomed to spending time with on a very regular basis. I hear the laughs. I feel the strange looks that each face has made a trademark out of. For those who are still out of the loop, August 17/18 are my target dates of departure for my "gap year" in the US.

I am blessed to have a life filled with amazing people and amazing relationships. I cannot imagine not having my default movie date and my default Friday night date at my "disposal." What would a Friday without the ALG be like? A Christmas without co-hosting our crazy reunion? A Sunday without the precocious little Sam? Dinners without sinigang, tinola, and adobo? Saturday lunches without deep fried hito, baked mussels drowning in cheese, and nilaga? So yes, each night gets a tad bit more sentimental, and each night always features a different face.

So I guess the question now is this: what do you do when sleep becomes the bridge for a bittersweet beginning? When sleep continually closes and then opens a new chapter that'll ultimately lead to a sequel? A sequel where the only one left standing is the main character.

Always a silver lining. A thick silver lining.

Monday morning. June 11. It was a day unlike any other I've ever had.

It was only 6AM and it seemed like Murphy's Law was really starting to kick into gear. We (me, Char, and Rach) had to make a 5-minute walk to the tricycle stop from our hotel (in Boracay). As it rained the night before, the alley was flooded. Our feet got soaked in mud (and grime and oil, obviously!) and the walk took a lot longer than necessary.

Anyway, our adventure really started during the van ride from the Caticlan Port to the Kalibo Airport. Sometime in between my zzzs and Lee Ryan's songs, our van got hit. It wasn't even one of those teeny bumps. Char and I bumped our heads on the glass (because we sat at the back row), and I got thrown forward. It really isn't as bad as it sounds, but it really shook me up. I'm still really grateful that the collission wasn't stronger than that, or else, I really don't even want to think of the prospect. The abrupt stop of the van that hit us (and btw had an oil leak too) caused the car behind him to stop as well, hitting him in the process.

So there we were. Stuck in the middle of nowhere. And just as we step out of the van, the rain started to pour.

Oh no.

The van driver so misleading told us that we were only 10 minutes away from the airport and we could go by trike. So we rode the first trike that could accommodate us. He said that he could take us. He knew that we were going to the airport and he did not refuse us a ride.

So I was finally enjoying the view of the countryside when I suddenly saw a roadsign that said, "Kalibo: 9kms". How in the world can anyone travel 9kms by tricycle? It just didn't make any sense. On any level. The driver so calmly said that we were still about an hour away from the airport, and by this time, it was also one hour before our plane was scheduled to leave (9:55AM). Did my heart start palpitating? Oh YEAH! I could've had an anxiety attack right there. I was trying to look for cabs along the way so we could travel at a faster speed, but there was nada. Nothing. I did think that I was overreacting because my companions were so calm.

At this point, I really had nothing else to do but pray. Pray that God was in control of the situation, whatever happened. And He really, really was.

When we got out of that van, my thoughts got clouded with thoughts of panic. PANIC. It was 8:30 and I had no idea what time the counter closes. But in that one single second when my brain registered a flat line, I heard it: you're going to laugh about this when you get home.

We finally arrived in Kalibo after about 20 minutes, where we were greeted by another roadsign that said, "Kalibo Airport: 9.8 kms". WHAT??? Wasn't it already 9 kms a good 20 minutes ago?

As if that weren't enough to fuel my anxiety (I had to get back to Alabang before noon for a medical appointment), a local policeman stopped our trike. Yes. He really did.

I've only had one encounter with the MMDA, but being asked to move on the side of the road, really? 50 minutes before our plane left? Are you kidding me???

This, however, turned out to be another blessing (strangely enough). Across the street, there were vans that were headed to the airport. Yay Char for noticing! I had Rach ask if one of the vans can take us, while Char and I watched the interaction between the policeman and the driver. I finally decided to interrupt and inquire about our fate. Well, as it turned out, the tricycle was not allowed to go on the airport. Illegal route. We rode an illegal trike! Will wonders ever cease! The policeman wouldn't give us any closure, did not bother informing us right away of the problem, and did not offer an alternative form of transportation. Afraid that he would detain us for an interview, we fleed the scene as quickly as possible. Luckily enough, one of the vans ended up taking us.

We arrived in the airport in less than 3 minutes.

Whew. Close call.

I just hate to think what could've happened if we weren't stopped by the policeman. The van really pumped up the volume that I do think we might've broken the speed limit there. But I will never forget that lone red van.

After this, everything else that happened this week just seems so bland.

It is true. I did end up having a good laugh about this. Makes for a good story too. :)

Bailey's replacement

I had a physically draining Friday today. Aside from unusually spending lunch hour at Glorietta, I had three ocular inspections to make for back-to-back events we're having on July. To cap off the day, Borgy and I had to walk all the way to Greenbelt (about a 20 minute walk) because the lines for the FX was just insane. Crazy payday-sales-everywhere-Friday kind of insane.

We watched Fantastic Four. I do think it was a lot better than the first one. Chris Evans :D Hmmm.

ANYWAY. I just can't go on blogging about my day. I'm just delaying my actual reason for blogging.

I finally got my Macbook today!!! What an amazing, amazing surprise!!! My dad kept telling me that the check has not been prepared yet (because we got it via his office's PC Loan, which, btw, I will have to pay for). I was asking him in the car when it'll be coming because I'm so so excited! And yay, just when I was about to head up to start my evening regimen (and then crash into bed early), I saw it!

And of course, I screamed and jumped in excitement. :D

So I just had to make my first blog entry from my new lappie! I've been squatting in my mom's laptop and Josh's desktop for so long now. I know it's not a huge problem, but I just got so used to having my own :)

Wheeee! I love this week!

My Big Deal Summer officially ends.

Believe me, my absence has not been due to the lack of blogworthy
topics. I've got loads of unpublished drafts, and even more tatters
of thoughts that simply need to be transcribed. I guess I've been too
caught up with everything that's been going on lately, let's leave it
at that.

Well, I definitely feel like summer has officially ended, and mine was
truly a packed one. This felt like the busiest summer I've ever had,
strangely enough. I went on 4 holidays, though they're all pretty
short trips.

The first was the trip to Puerto Galera with my family and family
friends. I don't think I'll ever go back there (I really don't want
to). But I got to go on a banana boat. It may not seem like a big
deal to anyone, but I am terrified of boats. Of deep water. Of
toppling into deep water. So this was kind of a big deal to me.

For our decade's worth of friendship, it was the first time that my
high school barkada went on an outing. Overnight pa. And hindi pa
kami complete. But it was still fun. We haven't talked like "that"
in ages. I actually really don't remember when the last time was.

Then sometime in May, my family (and again, Sam's family) took a trip
to Hong Kong and Macau. The last time I went to Hong Kong, I was five
years old. It was my very first trip out of the country, and hence,
my first plane ride. That's when my travel education began. I
actually thought that Hong Kong was situated in the clouds, and that
the Earth was only composed of the Philippines. Don't you just love
how kids think?

Anyway, that was really a blast for me. I got to go around town by
myself, guided my mom and her older sisters when we had to split
during shopping day, depended on a map for dear life. And most of
all, got to shop in a foreign country with my own money. So it will
definitely be extra memorable because of that. I never really thought
that it would be such a huge deal, but it was. It was the same
feeling that I felt when I got my
"i'm-an-independent-woman-red-cellphone (Char's words)".

The morning we went to Macau, all I can think of was whether I should
jump. The Skyjump at Macau Tower. The HKD600 (P4,200) jump. I was
thinking of it til we got there. The weather was rainy, foggy, and
just plain dreary. Then I saw the tower. Yipes! I totally forgot
about the money issue. All I can think of was "I couldn't even see
the ground from up here!"

So we did the skywalk instead. That was still a blast! It was still
also a bit freaky at first, walking that high up without walls or
handrails.

One of my OFWs (Overseas Friends in the World!) also made a one-month
visit to Manila. It really is strange how time can both change, yet
not change, a person and a relationship.

Capping the summer off, Char, Rach, and I went to Boracay after
purchasing our tickets on a whim several months earlier (March 8, to
be exact). It was definitely a trip to remember in all aspects. :)

I think July will definitely be a lot more college-centric as one of
my dear college friends is coming home for a visit. It'll be nice to
get together once again, and as with other peers, share the
strangeness of being in this age at this time. Isn't growing up so
much fun? Haha.

There are other things in store for me, but I think it would be best
if I save that for a much later announcement. The only thing I can
really say about is that I've really kept an eye for the washing
instructions on each outfit I buy. 'Til next. ;-)