Take the shackles of my feet so I can dance

I'm not one to post song lyrics as blog entries, but I saw this song performed in today's American Idol (go Mandisa!) and it just sums up how I feel at this moment.

Wanna Praise You (2000)
Mary Mary

In the corners of my mind
I just can't seem to find a reason to believe
That I can break free
Cause you see I have been bound for so long
Felt like all hope is gone
But as I lift my hands, I understand
That I should praise you through my circumstance

Take the shackles off my feet so I can dance
I just wanna praise you
I just wanna praise you
You broke the chains now I can lift my hands
And I'm gonna praise you
I'm gonna praise you

Everything that could go wrong
All went wrong at one time
So much pressure fell on me
I thought I was gonna lose my mind
But I know you wanna see
If I will hold on through these trials
But I need you to lift this load
Cause I can't take it no more

Been through the fire and the rain
Bound in every kind of way
But God has broken every chain
So let me go right now

So this is it

I can't believe it. Graduation is finally over. I just came home from a graduation party hosted by Jacqui. I came home earlier than planned and so I'm still pretty much awake. The car ride home made me realize that I am driving (or rather, being driven, as I'm not doing the actual driving) away from the people who have made the past four years exactly what it was. These are the people who I may or may not see sometime soon, some of whom I may never again cross paths with (God forbid). My college life isn't perfect, but then again, we rarely realize what perfection is at the exact moment that it occurs. Only in hindsight do we realize that there was actually bliss, even at only one point, in our lives.

Stepping into the Ateneo, I had very low expectations. Not because the school was ordinary, but because I couldn't imagine another school becoming home to me. Not after high school. It turned out that Ateneo became even more of a home, and slowly, I turned into what I feared the most... an Atenean. There are so many misconceptions about the typical Atenean, and dare I say, I didn't want to be the living embodiment of that. Only in experiencing what an Atenean really is did I see that these misconceptions are simply that--misconceptions. And not to defend the blue bloods, but I think that a lot of the time, they are simply misunderstood.

It was in Ateneo where I met people of different passions, no matter how absurd or extraordinary. It was likewise the place that unearthed passions and interests that I never thought I had. In its halls I met great thinkers, inspiring teachers, and remarkable peers. It's the place that helped me grow in confidence and character. I really wasn't expecting much from a college education. I thought that earning my degree would simply be about major subjects, specializing in the field we'd want to pursue, things like that. I got more than what I bargained for because of the experience that came with learning. Learning not just within the walls of the classroom, but outside as well. In the beginning, I struggled to understand why we must take so many units of subjects completely unrelated to my course (hello 24 total units of Philosophy and Theology combined!). In the end, I realized that college isn't about specializing (we've got Master's Degree and work training for that!), it's really about learning. It's the time of self-discovery. A time to explore and experiment with reckless abandon. The "useless" subjects serve not just to broaden our perspectives, but truly help us realize what we love, what kind of knowledge we love, and what kind of learnings we truly cherish. I don't think Ateneans ever stop philosophizing (not after excruciating hours spent studying for a minimum of 8 oral exams) whether for life-changing decisions or everyday circumstances. Yes, they complicate life, but they also make it much more interesting.

And of course, what would college be without the people? Being separated from my high school barkada has made our friendship even stronger. Some of my dearest closest friends have already migrated (and I haven't seen), and though it would seem that the distance would bring the relationship to an end, it doesn't. It only makes it stronger because we come to realize who we'd truly like to keep in our lives. Now, after four years, another friend is leaving. She's someone I've only come to know for four years--4 years worth of slow discovery, might I add--but someone I've grown quite attached to. She will be terribly missed, but I am confident that this isn't the end. The people can never be too far away. The Internet is there to make sure of that. And although our generation has grown past communicating through landlines, it's nice to receive a "real" phone call every now and then. Separation is a test, a sort of filter, might I add. It leaves us with the people closest to us, the dearest ones who may actually stay for all time.

I am honestly going to miss all the work that this school imposed on us. From them, we developed some form of endurance, discipline, and of course, strengthened our character. I am going to miss the all nighters, the headaches, sleeping in the library. I will never forget the anxious feeling that comes half an hour before a philo oral exam. The feeling of awe that is created by passionate teachers will remind me, as a form of inspiration, of what greatness, combined with passion, can achieve. There are so many things to leave behind as part of moving on. I hate moving on. I don't like change. I'm not very good with change. Despite it, however, it is something that I undergo as well, though without realizing it perhaps. It is only when we reach new shores that we realize how far we've crossed, how far we've traveled. The journey is never something we are fully aware of, because we are much too busy being engrossed by it. It is true, the journey is the destination. The destination simply signals a pit stop, never an ending.

(all pictures can be found here.)

Some adjustments

After the senior year experience, I'm not quite used to having nothing to do anymore. Having no deadlines, no anything, is quite a weird feeling. Usually, 10PM signals the beginning of my having to take work seriously. And now, now, there's nothing good on TV and I'm so bored!

Adjustment is always a difficult thing for me. Change is not a fun thing to go through. It involves so many things. And yes, my mom is right, I am still in denial. The pressure to support myself after grad is quite intense. As I told her one time, I don't think I can afford myself--that is, living the lifestyle I'm living now. It's not exactly high maintenance, but I don't know how much of it I can maintain. =)

Well, I'm gonna end this here and continue my interesting YM conversations. I just had to drop a few lines.

Midnight kitchen session

Because I live away from home during school days, I've never had to face what I'm facing now: sitting alone in my kitchen cramming for a major project (ahem), listening to bossa nova, and having no one to talk to.

Waaaah! I miss my roooommiiiees!

Though I've had all-nighters, I've never had them alone. Though I've had to write papers at three in the morning, I've always had someone to talk to, to keep me sane enough. There has always been someone to offer me a sandwich or Choco Filipino. Someone to offer me a backrub. Someone to tempt me to sleep (which I succumb to sometimes).

Now, all I have are YM buddies. And while I may share the pleasure of conversation with them, it's not the same. Words flow from keys instead of the lips. And instead of keeping my eyes wide open, I'm finding it harder to stop them from shutting.

Cleaning up

It's amazing how much clutter can accumulate over a span of four years.

Yesterday, I began cleaning up what was my second home during my life as a college student. The pile of old papers, old notebooks, old letters, old newspapers that I had to dispose of rose to about two feet high. I found relics that date back to my freshman year and dog-eared readings from my sophomore days.

It's quite interesting to leaf through them one more time. In that instant, the decision whether to keep them or trash them is one that isn't easy to make. On the one hand, there is this desire to preserve relics of the past. Despite them being simply academic requirements, they contain an indelible part of who I am at that certain point in time. On the other hand, they will simply become new clutter in my room. Where will I place them? Keeping them would only delay their inevitable disposal.

So I threw away a huge lot of them and kept some that were dear to my heart. I kept essays from my days with Bernal and research papers I've done over the years. I almost kept my first F from Ambeth Ocampo but decided against it afterwards. My memories of that teacher is too great that the F I received for one exam is rather inconsequential.

It is of course sad that another phase of my life has ended. Although this may be best illustrated by graduation, I find that it feels more pronounced as I slowly empty my cozy condominium unit. It is an entirely different classroom for me. My learnings about myself, my roommates, and the funny complications and simplicities of relationships are simply priceless. Our anecdotes will forever be inside jokes. Unit 1003 is our private world sheltered from the outside elements and bounded by nothing but each other.

It's hard to believe that four years has passed by. After the long hours devoted to schoolwork and the priceless moments shared over laughter, it's time to clean up and once again, begin anew. It's an uncertain beginning for me, but one that I have to plunge into nonetheless.

I now realize that the sooner I can let go of material relics, the quicker I can move on.

The experiences, however, will never simply be clutter.

What it all comes down to

I've said a lot of times that I have outgrown blogging.

Reading others' blogs, and my old ones as well, has made me realize that I insanely miss it. I miss staring at the cursor blinking in that little box, waiting for me to come up with something. I will, however, stop blogging about my daily life. I still stop blogging about the sordid details of my daily routines. I may talk about strange encounters whenever I have them.

Hence the title, reawakened.

I will not, however, stop talking about myself. Haha.

So, I have returned to the blogging world! I wasn't able to do a lot of writing this semester (really ironic), and I don't know if I'm going to be doing much now that I'm done with school.

I moved (again) from my other blog because I don't like making fresh starts in old pages.

My next move
The job hunt is an interesting activity for someone who is considerably "in denial" about her state of impending unemployment. I do realize that as of March 1, I am no longer tied to any academic commitment whatsoever. I wish I could say the same thing about my organization. I cannot wait to let it go. I just want to rest already and be serious about finding a job! There is still so much to do, that I find celebrating this newfound liberation-from-schoolwork rather difficult to rejoice about.

I realize that I have grown into an idealistic person, too idealistic for the world's standards. And while I really don't want to treat this as a problem, it is slowly growing into one because I am bent on finding that perfect job. It isn't easy to have perfection as the bar. Obviously, everything else falls short. Also, it's difficult to define what this perfection really entails.

What I'm leaving behind
After earning all 156 units of my course, going through the marketing, LS, and CTK all-nighters, I find it rather surprising that what truly gave impact to my college life were my 12 units of philosophy. Interestingly enough, it's a philo oral exam that capped my university life.

The greatest lesson I've learned is that learning is necessarily different from studying. Learning comes more naturally and its wisdom is short of immortalized in our hearts. Studying is so mechanical--too mechanical even. Learning comes less frequently, as moments of grand inspiration are quite rare. It also takes a very passionate teacher to help you open your mind. This is why school can be such a burden, because 80% is devoted to studying and not learning. This is why philosophy comes with such an impact to me, because it is the class that I have learned in the most.

There are a great number of things that I'm going to miss as my university life draws to a close. The protected bubble that is the Ateneo has given me lots to be grateful for. Indeed, college is ultimately about building character, as most things in life are about. While I may have spent a huge portion of my time cramming, wrapped in anxiety, fretting about deadlines, I now regret that I spent so little time rejoicing in them--rejoicing in my school work. Finding pleasure as the last paper is turned in, as the last quiz is passed forward, as the final word of my final oral exam slips from my mouth... Instead, all I could give is a sigh of relief, glad for the momentary "torture" to finally be over.

Life really shouldn't merely consist of a series of sighs of relief.