Silent nostalgia

Back in college, my roommates and I would always talk about how work must be so much easier than studying. No late nights, no all nighters, no homework! Working was such an exciting thing to look forward to! I knew I'd miss college, but I didn't think I'd miss it this badly.

Things I miss about college (life):
(in no particular order)
1. Unit 1003!!!!
2. Watching the sunset from our condo balcony
3. Walking along Katipunan after coffee study sessions
4. The pub room
5. People watching
6. Studying under the trees in the dela Costa benches
7. The trees
8. Learning unexpected lessons
9. Watching passion be personified in teachers
10. Ten-peso buco juice from Andre Coolers
11. Casual clothing
12. CTK all nighters at Pao's
13. Press? hahahaha
14. Cute teachers
15. The feeling of finding the most unexpected and most useful book in the library
16. BTIC during fairs/events
17. Being a leader
18. Walking along the campus at dusk or dark
19. Stargazing at Bel field during Christmas season
20. Eating putobumbong/bibingka/sopas in Bel Field while listening to the Simbang Gabi choir from Gesu, and just hearing laughter, looking at the hanging lights from the trees, and gaze at the cloudy sky
21. The adrenaline rush from oral exams
22. Pulling "overnight sensations"
23. Seeing my byline
24. Meeting new people
25. The trees
26. Finance/accounting study sessions in Mcdonalds
27. Mcdonalds
28. Grabbing breakfast in Mcdonalds on my way to my 730 Polsci class
29. Going to sleep without a single thought in mind, but just ahhh.
30. Taking the LRT to Gateway for a quick movie!
31. Seeing unexpected people in the ladies room of Gateway cinema
32. Having friends over at the condo
33. Cleaning the condo
34. Taking afternoon naps
35. Salon time! AURA!!!
36. Watching telenovelas with the roomies
37. Semi-productive YM conversations
38. Keeping each other from working (hahaha! Raach!!)
39. The condo shower!
40. Watching the tricycles with lightsaber lights at midnight
41. Walking to Rustans grocery
42. Nescafe ice
43. Discovering the joys of coffee
44. People watching
45. Long breaks with no pending requirements (very rare)
46. The feeling of impending doom before an Accounting or Finance test (and before Marketing and LS class!)
47. Rushing from SEC in Ortigas to ADMU to get to a 430 marketing class during rush hour
48. Being caught by the MMDA on the way to SEC
49. Going to MMDA! Hahaha
50. The Blue Babble caf exhibitions
51. Spotting freshmen
52. Keeping track of students who are still in the honors programs
53. The joyous feeling after seeing a passing mark for an accounting or finance test
54. Being in school til 1am with no open bathrooms (okay, so I don't really miss this. It's just a nice memory)
55. Seeing umbrellas simultaneously open when rain starts to drop
56. Wishing to start working
57. LEARNING
58. Being able to solve a difficult calculus or microeconomics problem
59. The feeling of getting my first F for a major exam (really, nothing beats it!)
60. Getting together to get away from school blues, only to end up talking about it
61. Discovering hidden passions
62. Developing a different outlook toward certain things in life
63. The feeling of stepping into a GK community
64. Selling bananacue/corn/cheescorn/peanuts in UP
65. Running to get to class on time (with Jacqui) to avoid being late (and being stared at by everyone else)
66. Watching couples on valentine's day
67. Having a great seatmate
68. Drawing smileys
69. Doodling in class. Trying to draw the trees I can see from my window
70. The Fire Trees (my happy tree with the orange flowers!!!)
71. Thursday night dinner out
72. Long dinners with roomies with long conversations
73. Ken Afford sisig and crispy pata
74. The December air
75. And of course, I don't even have to say it, the PEOPLE :) Friends, blockmates, classmates, strangers, orgmates, ... ... ...

A footnote to my previous entry

A couple of my girlfriends started apologizing to me immediately after reading my previous entry. I think it was the part where I said that talking about guys becomes uncomfortable sometimes. This does not read: I don't like talking about guys so stop it. I felt a little bad, and figured out that they might start clamming up because of this entry. So, please, by all means, just continue being open to me! Hahaha. Instead, it's that kind of personal discomfort that I feel when a certain topic strikes my thoughts. I will end that there.


Also, my last sentence was not meant to endorse any form of misdirected foolishness towards love or guys or whatever. Believe me, I'm not a big fan of that either. Hence, the use of quotation marks. All I really meant to say is this: love intensely and passionately. Go that extra mile. Trust. Break your rigid rhythm and just... be (with the right person of course).


I am going to stop writing about this topic. Writing on first instinct gets me in trouble.


But on a final note: don't be anyone's fool. And don't be fooled by anyone.


I think "Linger" will definitely be kicked out of my head now that this whole thing has been sorted out in print.

Sidetrack

And so it's the beginning of another work week. Oie. Yesterday marked my second month at my workplace. Everything is just so uncertain right now. And as much as I don't want to get drowned in all the confusion, it's hard not to be. I've always felt like this is a world of unlimited possibilities. And despite the country's current state, I've always been a believer of creating your own opportunities. But it certainly doesn't feel that way. Why, oh why?

A mosquito in a nudist camp. I was going to blog about this the other day, when it actually happened, but I was too lazy when I got home.  Cza and I had to make a presentation to the president of a non-life insurance company this week. It sure sounded like a great opportunity, but what began as an opportunity to "get ahead" became my personal opportunity to realize that it's time to move on.

One of my friends told me that he envisioned that I'd become some corporate hotshot someday. The only reason I would like that is for the wardrobe. But after meeting one, a real live one, I was just so filled with gratitude that my father is not like that. And more than ever, I'm convinced I don't want to turn out that way either. I don't want to talk about numbers and percentages and acronyms. I don't want to have to monitor the business section. This may be exciting to some, but personally, the whole Wall Street thing is just soo not me.

The experience was so traumatizing though. It was like entering some third dimension where the PA announced at the entrance: "welcome to the real world." Right. The real world of money and billion-peso transactions and corrupted morals and just the whole shebang.

After one whole hour, I only had one thought in mind: I need to get to my happy place.

You know I'm such a fool for you

Ever since I watched Click two weeks ago (a must-see, by the way, for those who haven't already seen it), I couldn't get Linger (Cranberries) out of my head. It has become my permanent LSS because of these two lines in the chorus:

But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you
you've got me wrapped around your finger...

It's just strange because I wasn't a fan of this song when it came out. And yet, after one movie, these two lines feel burned in my head. 

No, no, I'm not "in love" or anything. There is no guy. There is just this song and the reminder of how "love" can make people do crazy things. I heard someone from some media (not sure if TV or movie) a few years back say something like, you know you're in love when you're willing to do stupid things and not care how stupid you look (I really don't like using the word stupid, but that's the term that was used!).

It's weird to be at the stage where suddenly, conversations with girlfriends tend to drift about guys. Those who seem to have been uninterested in relationships in college show more interest now. I don't know if it comes with the territory of being in our twenties, but I'm betting on that for the explanation. There is talk about the scarcity of great guys (sorry, guys!), settling down (eeep), and just "guys" in general. It isn't a topic that makes me uncomfortable, but it gets to the point where it becomes uncomfortable. Maybe it's because now, it feels a lot more real than before.

The thought of getting married and settling down and all that banana feels more real that it has ever felt. It is still a distant thing (very distant!), but there's the thought of establishing that relationship to get to that "distant thing". My gosh, what am I saying?!

I hope, however, that girls stop being fools for love. It's so easy to get lost in the intensity and just the rainbows and sunshine of it, that it seems reasonable to lose all sense of objectivity. But I've realized the girls who are grounded in their values, have great self-respect and self-confidence retain more objectivity, if not for objective purposes, but simply out of respect for themselves.

Back in high school, my best friend wrote me something that I have never forgotten until now (see the effect you have on me, char!!!):

Girls who have self-respect do not need to be taught about men.

It may be fun to be a "fool" for someone. But be a fool in the proper way.

Random thoughts

I haven't blogged in such a long time! There has been a lot of times when I'd have loads of ideas to write about, but once I get home, I'm just too tired to do it. So I'll just do a random entry right now and just say whatever pops into this li'l mind of mine.

* * *

I USED TO THINK that growing up isn't necessarily something you feel, just something you go through without realizing it. But I've completely changed my mind. It's something I feel in my thoughts, based on how I react, how I perceive something, and how I decide. Or maybe its really more of the tension involved in thinking and deciding. This strange friction in my thought process is my own indicator of growing up. Not the physical circumstances or environment (ehem, joining the corporate bandwagon!), but really, what goes on in my thoughts. It's tough. It may seem like the most natural thing in the world, but it's tough. Indeedy.

* * *

WHAT KILLS ME THE MOST is that a lot of my friends are enjoying their jobs, and well, I'm not. It just feels so wrong. And as much I'm trying to transcend all the circumstances and be mature about the whole thing, it's just really difficult. I'm still holding on to the idea that there is a purpose for my being there. That I'm always at the right place at the right time has been a theme to my prayers lately. I took this job because I knew it would enhance an aspect of my character and personality that I really wanted to develop. Well, it turns out that it is fine tuning my character more than I ever dreamed of. It's really challenging, and I used to see it frequently as a setback, but now, I see that I have to think of it as an opportunity. I no longer want to be sucked into the negativity  because it's just so draining. It's exhausting and I feel so heavy and unhappy at the end of the day. I don't deserve that. I recently read something like, 10% of our life is the circumstances, and 90% is what we do about them.

I figure, if I want to be happy, I have to have the right attitude for it. Funny, I was browsing through some of the books in Powerbooks last Friday because I was looking for something to give my best friend, and the very page I opened to had this heading: train yourself to see the good.

I'd really like to do that.

* * *

GOOD CONVERSATIONS don't come by often. I really miss them. I guess this is why reunions with old friends are always so refreshing. My get togethers with my high school friends, for instance, is something I always look forward to. Every moment just becomes a lot more meaningful. It's true when they say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It really is difficult to find friends you will connect with at the deepest level possible. If you ask me, I could probably count with less than 10 fingers the friends that I would consider my "3AM People". I'm a 3AM friend to maybe a couple of them, and I'm willing to be the 3AM friend of some who may not realize it.

How friendships grow is still a big mystery to me. But I know I don't have to study it because it already leaves me completely fascinated.

* * *

MOMENTS I WISH TO FREEZE come by so seldom. I had one just recently, and it was worth the wait. It's not a big deal at all, but in my mind's eye, it was just completely amazing.

I want more moments like that.

I just had to share this

"The chief part of human happiness arises from the consciousness of being loved."
-Adam Smith